Day 30 days

There’s nothing worse than feeling shut out.

I made someone feel that way tonight.

I made a poor choice, based in fear.

Instant regret and gut feelings don’t help.

A prompt amends is even too late.

Can I show up for her?

Will I show up for me?

We both deserve it.

Or will I continue to think my way into right action?

..So my ego gains confirmation that I truly am unloveable.

I won’t try this time.

I’ll actually do my best.

But for now, in this moment, I can allow myself to be sad.

Having repeating conversations about my part doesn’t feel good. Never has.

Feeling like I’ll never be enough doesn’t get easier.

Wreckage, ugh.

Not sure what’s more paralyzing.. The sinking feeling created by guilt and shame? Or the deep wound left after your lover doesn’t kiss you goodnight and you’re so shut down that you can’t speak up?

I literally have lost my voice.

What does this mean?

FUCKING ALCOHOLISM.

{ orange tent }

January 21, 2015

Day highs + lows

A client of mine died today.

He wasn’t in our care at the time of his death, but it makes me wonder what we could have done differently.

The fact is, nothing.

We loved this man until he could love himself, but he never made it there.

He got high and was found dead in a car. That’s the low. The low is the perceived negative impact addiction has on people.

The truth is, this pain may have helped hundreds of people stay sober another day.

Loss.

And gain.

Tonight my girlfriend gave me a key to her place. I wasn’t expecting it, but the way she put her key onto my keyring with such confidence…

These two incidents aren’t related, but they are the same.

Acceptance of others, and acceptance of self.

All we have is now.

LIVE IT UP.

{ orange tent }

January 20, 2015

Day turn of events

My high school sweetheart, the first love of my life, was supposed to come to LA on Friday to showcase her artwork and now isn’t. I haven’t seen her in 8 years and maybe I’m not meant to see her. Ever.

Thank you God.

My most recent ex, the one who relapsed in our home and instantly became best friends with her drug dealer ex-wife, was at my meeting tonight. I walked in and a friend informed me of the news. It’s nice that people have my back. I walked out. No eye contact. No hesitation. Maybe I’m not meant to see her. Ever.

Thank you God.

I got to hear my girlfriend speak at a meeting. She was wonderful. Her presence made me proud. I get to see her. Because she works a program. I’m so blessed.

Thank you God.

My everything is changing.

I’m in a transparent relationship where I feel safe enough to always tell the truth, even if I think honesty will make me feel like a liar who will always have secrets. I am not a bad person.

Thank you God.

My exes aren’t bad people. They’re sick people trying to get well.

Thank you God.

“I have a dream…” -MLK

{ orange tent }

January 19, 2015

Day psychic shift

I let go of control long before we got to San Francisco.

And when I keep letting God, this is how my day, our day, goes..

Laying in bed, loving on each other.

Run, literally, to catch a meeting that we end up walking out on. Too much mental illness vs. service, we had to make a decision.

Amazing art. Candy box sculptures, nudity, and Dr. Seuss’ personal work, fucking incredible.

Dancing with the town tapper, with a full audience. Spirit seeks spirit.

Walking the complete wrong direction, uphill, for an extended period of time, without getting pissed.

Waiting over an hour, once we arrived at the “right” location, for the most delicious French soul food snacks.

My girlfriend getting hit on right in front of me, her holding her own, and me being so proud to be with her.

Seeing an old friend for a Blue Bottle coffee, and laughing out loud.

Local celebrity, got recognized by the barista for my madd dancing skills. Hilarious.

Constantly learning more about her, and about me.

And lovemaking.

..Just woke up from a serious nap..

Let’s see how this day continues to get better!

Holy shit. A surprise foot massage. And coffee naked in bed.

I think I finally found love.

{ orange tent }

January 18, 2015

Day sheets

What’s underneath it all?

Love.

KEEP IT UP.

{ orange tent }

January 17, 2015

Day adventure

I’m about to take my first travels..

My first trip somewhere where family isn’t the destination.

And I won’t be doing it alone.

It’s OUR first trip together.

Love,

{ orange tent }

January 16, 2015

Day you’re it

It started in bed, legs sandwiched between one another, souls holding hands like sleepy sea otters.

Awakening to a suppressed memory.

Another uncomfortable conversation, par for the course at this point. And survival again, even thriving.

Because of transparency.

Doses of love dispensed evenly throughout the day, welcoming and encouraging sustained vulnerability.

Never a dull conversation; I’m too present.

Speak your needs and end up at Swingers diner eating pancakes with the one you love.

GOD, THANK YOU FOR STREET SWEEPING ON A REGULAR BASIS.

It really helps..

{ orange tent }

January 15, 2015

Day protection

My girlfriend got confronted by the girl I most recently stopped dating.

Thank God she handled it with such grace.

She’s my rock.

Fuck.

I do not want to cause any more harm.

God, please help.

{ orange tent }

January 14, 2015

Day laundry

Naked, how time flies.

{ orange tent }

January 13, 2015

Day lesson learned

I woke up this morning to a boundary kept. I didn’t cry (like I did last night), but I was sad.

I didn’t sweep it under the rug, or act out. I spoke my truth and moved on.

I was met with respect.

We spoke on the phone; I couldn’t transmit my experience of being “over it” or “through it” because I wasn’t yet. The call ended abruptly.

Work was hectic, in a good way, and I didn’t allow discord to own me.

NEW BEHAVIOR.

Hours later, she showed up for me. She physically came to my work so we could talk.

I wanted to share with her.

..about my epiphany..

I’ve been seeking to self-sabotage through suffering as a result of engaging with toxic people, i.e. my mom and the girl I most recently stopped dating.

My moments of acting out have been rooted in replicating feelings of not being safe.

This is my living amends..

Showing up, remaining teachable rather than defensive, being willing to be more vulnerable than I already am, and allowing myself to just be there with another. Specifically her.

She met me with unconditional love.

God, how does it get better than your girlfriend being so happy for you that you were able to process something so painful with such clarity and assurance?

I don’t ever have to withhold again.

One day at a time.

GRATEFULLY YOURS,

{ orange tent }

January 12, 2015